Nobody puts Baby in a corner! Except me. I totally did.

Well, I’m back. We’ve had visitors. I learned how to lift weights and kind of got obsessed with going to the gym. I played video games and bought groceries.

Then I decided I was ready to watch a movie and write another post. You’re welcome.

I present to you: Dirty Dancing – England Nights. Or something…

I know I’m going to hate how much I like all the music in this film. Good music is good music. Jerry Orbach! It can’t be that bad if that awesome, awesome man is in it.

Lot’s of slow motion dancing in the opening. It’s all naughty and stuff. Poor people do like to dance naughty.

“That was the summer of 1963. When everybody called me Baby and it didn’t occur to me to mind.”

Look I’m not buying into the fact that Baby is some introspective person who actually reads books.  No one wants to join the Peace Corps unless they are trying to escape their lives or never grow up.

Hello Newman….

Baby’s dad is a doctor. I learned that because everyone yells “DOC!” when they see him. Four minutes in and we’re already line dancing. When do the poor people dance together? I want to see the real stuff.

You may have never noticed this, but Baby walks outside of their cabin and goes the wrong way and has to turn around. It’s not important, just thought I should point it out. They are already playing a stripped down version of “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life.” The foreshadowing is obvious if it’s anything.

The owner of this resort is telling his wait staff to pretty much sleep with any girl they can. But then the cool kids, AKA the entertainment staff, come in and they aren’t allowed to do anything but dance.

You know how I know they are cool? Well I’ll tell you.

Reason they are cool by Ryan Renfrow

1. Patrick Swayze (Johnny) is their leader and he wears sunglasses inside.

2. See above.

“You just put your pickle on everybody’s plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me,” says Johnny as he knocks a napkin of a table. I’m guessing it’s lines like this that have endeared this movie to countless generations of women.

There is so much food at their table. I’m going to eat twice as much food when we are back in Texas in a week. I’m looking at you Whataburger.

I’m seriously going to eat each one of those meals.

At dinner, Baby’s parents are trying to pretend it’s possible she actually looks young enough to be a teenager and set her up with boys she’s never going to go for. That girl has a wild streak in her I tell ya!

I want to hang out with the bandleader. He’s a guy with classic style. As the crowd applauds you know all he can think about is how much he hates white people, especially his boss.

Johnny and Not Baby are doing a salsa or guacamole or something for all the guests. Baby is mesmerized by Johnny’s feet and hips. I kind of am too. Especially those hips. Also, this dance is about 400 minutes too long and the owner agrees with me when he tells them to “cut it!” I love how rich people pimp out their daughters to silly magicians. Reminds me of prep school.

This movie isn’t bad. It’s not anything really.

Baby is walking up to the slave quarters and about to finally get a taste of all that forbidden stuff she’s been sheltered from her whole life. Stuff like carrying watermelons, apparently.

It’s like they’re having sex on the dance floor. My palpitations are heightened beyond their maximum. Do me a blessing and get me some laudanum so I can quiet my perspirations!

Once again the music is awesome and I’m still doing everything I can to not fast forward. Everyone is dancing like it’s their own personal movie. It doesn’t even look fun, just choreographed.

“I carried a watermelon,” says Baby. Well, she did. Facts are nice.

How old is Johnny supposed to be as he grinds his crotch on a 17-year-old girl’s chest?

Baby envies the old blond dancer because she got kicked out of her house at 16 while Baby has had every damn thing she ever wanted in her whole life. It’s hard to pay attention to this movie or care about anything except for when Baby and Johnny are doing something together.

Baby finds the blond dancer crying alone in the kitchen and things are happening that have never been explained. OH! She’s pregnant. Why would she go cry in a kitchen? Baby is learning some hard truths about life all the sudden. People get pregnant outside of marriage, even when they’re old, worn out blond dancer ladies.

“Go back to your playpen, Baby,” says Johnny. Boom.

Baby is trying to convince the baby daddy to own up to his actions. I’ve watched a lot of movies and I feel like that’s not going to happen. Baby asks her dad for $250 to fix the problem/baby. She has a heart of gold and needs a reason to see some more of that forbidden dancing. She gives them the money and they make fun of her for giving it to them. It doesn’t even matter, because she’ll never get the day off to get her back alley abortion. Baby volunteers to fill in, but Johnny is a dick and doesn’t want to teach Baby how to dance.

I’ve seen all the Step Up movies. I watched one whole season of So You Think You Can Dance and even voted. (I picked the winner in the early rounds. No big deal) I’ve seen both Footloose movies. I’ve watched documentaries about children who ballroom dance and krump, but I cannot buy into this movie. Patrick Swayze is a jerk. Jennifer Grey is at least 40. I don’t care. I refuse to believe Baby would have to replace this dancer or that she would be a horrible dancer to begin with. Alas… we move on…

The secret to dancing is Johnny’s heartbeat.

How many fan fictions have been written about this next scene?

Here. I’ll write one. The title is, “That time I danced into a threesome.”

Once me and this teenager named Baby were dancing. A pregnant blond lady walked in and danced with Baby. I sat there and watched them dance. Then we had a threesome.

-fin-

The scene with her laughing as he strokes her arm is actually funny.

My wife is extremely ticklish and I can imagine something like that happening if we were for some horrible reason in this movie. Basically, Baby has abandoned her family to dance 24/7 with Johnny. No one seems to have noticed. And now Johnny is dancing on a log with Baby. The log has more charisma than either of them.

Why is dancing on logs and in fields better than being in a studio? Now they are in the lake. They will do anything to almost show us Baby’s nipples. She’s supposed to be 17!

Baby looks hideous with all the dancer makeup on her face. Hideous.

I swear if this girl dies from her abortion, well, I’ll be real sad. That doesn’t make it have a point though. No point in her death. Thank goodness all doctors carry those bags around. Now Baby isn’t allowed with “those people” anymore. THOSE PEOPLE?!? Well, OK, that’s not really all that offensive.

Jeez, does Johnny ever wear a freaking shirt? Take off the makeup Baby!! TAKE IT OFF!

“Most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.” I wish I could tell every single 17-year-old girl or boy that has thought that how wrong they are. Go to college. Go to a real party. Get a real job. Those words will be so meaningless after that.

And that’s how Johnny took a teenager’s virginity. With dance. Gross.

Baby actually asked Johnny how many women he’s been with. I don’t want to break it to you girl, but it’s a lot. I think I was with him once or twice in the mid-90’s. Those hips…

Now it’s time for that scene. You know which one. The one where they dance and fake sing. Don’t ever do that. Especially because their dancing is basically them dry humping each other for 40 minutes.

I want to give a special shout out to my beautiful wife right now. Thanks for leaving your peanuts next to the couch. I love you.

Johnny has so many ideas about end of the season dances and boss man won’t listen. His life is so hard. He gets paid to dance. Who cares what kind of dance it is? Now he’s mad because Baby won’t come clean to her dad about losing her dance virginity. Then Johnny beats up a guy for walking around a corner.

Uh oh. Johnny has been accused of stealing and Baby can prove it wasn’t him because she was so busy stealing his love all night. Jerry Orbach just realized his daughter lost her virginity to a dancer at a summer resort and has to reevaluate a lot about his life while Baby does her best to prove she’s the ugliest crier in the whole world.

Baby and Johnny say their goodbyes because he got fired for dipping in the company ink. Blah, blah, blah.

Time for a good old variety show with lame white folks.

All right. So Baby is literally sitting in a corner? Wow. Just wow.

I wish I could travel back in time and boo this movie in the theater. I’d boo so hard.

Baby and Johnny interrupt everything on the stage to talk about how important they think they are. Johnny learned how to be a better person by sleeping with a teenager. Baby learned how to dance and found her first love who left her when she turned 18.

Everyone dances.

The end.

Final Thoughts

Um. Yeah. This movie is dumb. End of.

I doubt I’ll be back for a few weeks. We’re headed back to Texas for a bit. I’ll do my best. See you then.

P.S. This is still Patrick Swayze’s best work.